# AAAAAAAAAAAAArientation

BillyColt

Chapter 1

AAAAAAAAAArientation

Chapter 1

“There are lots of things you can make with grapes: grape juice, grape jelly, grape soda, raisins…” The colt paused. “I’m thinking of experimenting.”

The mare sitting across from him laughed. They were seated in an outdoor café in Ponyville. He was a yellow colt with a blue mane and tail with a bunch of grapes as his cutie mark. She was pink, with a green mane and tail and two flowers as her cutie mark. Colton Vines, the owner of the largest (well, only) grape company in Equestria, and Daisy, a local gardener. They’d been regularly going on dates.

“Oh, grapes are never going to be as big as apples,” Colton said.

“Oh, don’t say that,” said Daisy, “you’ve got a much better name than ‘Applejack’ or ‘Big Macintosh.’ ‘Sir Colton Vines III'?”

Colton laughed. “Thanks, Daisy, I–” He stopped. He was staring at something. Daisy turned to look. They were both looking at an unfamiliar yellow pony, with a brown cowboy hat, a vest, and an apple cutie mark. “Who’s that?” he asked.

“I have no idea,” said Daisy. “Probably part of the Apple family. I wonder why he’s wearing that vest?”

“Yeah,” said Colton Vines III, “he should take it off.”

***


“Apples, apples, everywhere, and all of ‘em ta eat,” said Applejack, baskets full of the fruits strapped to her back. “I’ll bet we can harvest more apples than any other orchard in the family. Ya think we can?”

“Eeyup,” said Big Macintosh, who was also loaded with baskets of apples.

“Howdy, cuz!” shouted a cheerful voice. Applejack’s smile instantly fell from her face. There was Braeburn, standing right in front of her. “How ya been?”

“Uhh, pretty good…”

“And Big Mac!” Braeburn said, turning to her brother, whose expression was unflappable, “I haven’t seen ya in years!”

“What are you…”

“Well, cuz, I felt so guilty about not coming to visit y’all in Ponyville, so I just had to come on over, especially since I missed the reunion! Can ya believe it, ya forgot to send me an invite!”

“Yeah…”

“Well, in any case, that doesn’t matter, because I’m here all the way from…” He reared onto his hind legs. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAppleloosa!”

Applejack shot a nervous glance at Big Macintosh, before looking over at her hyperactive cousin.

“So, uh, cousin Brae...” she said awkwardly. “What brings you to Ponyville?”

“Aw, shucks, AJ, does a guy need a reason to visit family and friends?” Braeburn answered. “I figured it was the least I could do to thank you for what you did back with the buffalo and the orchard in AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAppleloosa!”

“Well, you’re welcome...”

“My, you Ponyville-folk sure are making a guy feel welcome,” Braeburn said, settling back down. “Well, nice ta see ya. I wouldn’t wanna impose on your hospitality, so I’ll be finding someplace else to stay.”

“Stay?”

“Why, of course. It’s a long ways away from–”

“There’s an inn next to the flower shop,” said Big Macintosh.

“Well, thank ya kindly, cousin Mac. See ya later,” he said, before merrily trotting off.

Applejack spun around frantically towards Big Macintosh. “Oh no, what’re we gonna do?”

“Settle down, sis, it’s nothin’ worth getting your haunches in a twist over.”

“You know what happens with Braeburn, Mac.”

“Ah do, but that doesn’t mean we have ta panic.”

“Yes!” Applejack exclaimed. “Yes we do!”


***

Twilight Sparkle was always very glad to have a customer in the library. Sometimes it just seemed like she was the only pony around who cared about literacy. It was a young unicorn stallion with a compass rose for a cutie mark, checking out a few art books.

“Apparently my buildings and landscapes are good,” said the stallion, “buuuuut other ponies have been telling me I need to work on anatomy. They say that when I draw other ponies it looks weird.”

“Well, there’s always room to improve,” said Twilight. “That’s the best thing you can do.”

“You got that right,” said the artist. “The last thing I want to be is one of those egomaniacs that think everything they produce is perfect from the start.”

“Nopony likes an egotist,” said Twilight, remembering her encounter with Trixie. “So, will that be all?”

“I think so.”

“Good, then just make sure to return them in two weeks. Have a nice day!”

The art-pony made his way towards the door leading out of the library, when it burst open. He jumped back as he saw a yellow colt wearing a cowboy hat.

“Howdy!” exclaimed Braeburn, to the surprise of both of the other ponies. “Great place ya got here! It’s a tree! We don’t have tree-houses in...” Twilight held her breath, but he didn’t say it.

“Well,” continued Braeburn, puzzling, “it’s not so much a tree-house as it is a house-tree, ain’t it?” He looked at Twilight. “Say!” he said, “You’re one of cousin AJ’s friends, ain’tcha?”

“That’s right,” said Twilight. “You’re Braeburn, from–”

“AAAAAAAAAppleloosa!” exclaimed Braeburn, rearing onto his hind legs as Twilight cringed. “Anyway, just thought I’d stop by. You folks here in Ponyville have a lot of different kinds of houses. Bye!” he said, turning around and exiting.

The art-pony had just been staring blankly the entire time.

“Well, that was certainly–” Twilight began.

“Who was that?”

“That was Applejack’s cousin Braeburn. He’s from...” Twilight laughed weakly, “Appleloosa. Very energetic.”

“Hmm...” said the artist. “Come to think of it...” He walked back to the bookshelf. “I think I’d like to check this book out, too.” He floated down one final art text.

“Male anatomy?” Twilight asked.

“Can’t leave any cracks in the fundamentals,” said he. “Thank you.” And with that, he turned to leave.

Twilight sat down with a sigh. Somehow, just listening to Braeburn talk had been exhausting.

Spike tiptoed down the stairs. “What was that all about?” he asked.

“Nothing,” said Twilight. “I just think I got hit with Pinkie Pie’s long-lost brother is all.”

“Now, there’s a thought...”

Twilight’s reprieve was cut short, however, when the door flew open. A panting Applejack stood in the doorway.

“Twilight, I need your help!” she gasped.

“What is it, Applejack?”

“It’s my cousin Braeburn,” she said. “He’s in town.”

“I noticed.”

“Oh...” Applejack said. Twilight could swear that she saw her friend’s hat droop on her head. “Oh no...”

“What is it?”

“We’re in for an complete disaster!”


Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Over in Carousel Boutique, Caramel and Lucky Clover held out a length of fabric while Rarity measured the length.

"I cannot thank you two enough for helping me with this," she said.

"Oh, don't mention it," said Caramel.

"We're always perfectly happy to help," said Lucky. "Anytime."

"And I'll have you know how much I appreciate it," said Rarity, taking a pair of scissors and beginning to cut the fabric. The two stallions exchanged pleased glances. The door to the shop rang.

"Oh, Clover, could you be a darling and go see who that is?" asked Rarity.

"Certainly, ma'am," said Lucky as he turned to answer her request.

"Anything more I can do to help?" asked Caramel.

"Mmm..." she hummed. "Thank you kindly, but I think I'm quite alright."

"Well, howdy!"

Rarity stopped cutting. She recognized that voice.

"I just saw how fancy this place was, so I decided I'd pop in and say hi. Nice home you got here."

"Well, it actually isn't mine..."

Rarity had to step out into the main room. Sure enough, there was Braeburn, eyeing the place.

"Though I can't say it's really the kinda placed I'da live," said Braeburn. "I'm a much more rugged stallion than that."

"Yeah..." said Lucky. "Rugged..."

"Well, hello!" Rarity said. "You're Applejack's cousin Braeburn, right?"

"Indeed Ah am, ma'am!" Braeburn said, putting his nose up with a self-satisfied smile.

"Never can forget a vest like that," Rarity added.

"Yeah, that is a sweet vest," said Caramel.

"The hat's nice, too," said Lucky. "Where'd you get them?"

"Aw, didn't get 'em nowhere. Just good old-fashioned hoof-made pure goodness! Straight from my father."

"He must've had good hooves," said Caramel.

"I'll bet you got good hooves, too," added Lucky.

Rarity watched the banter back and forth, unsure of what to make of it. Three stallions in the room and Rarity wasn't the center of attention. She had the sneaking suspicion that something wasn't completely on the up-and-up.


***

"Uhh, Applejack..." said Twilight.

"'Uhh,' nothing, Twi," said Applejack. "We need to find him, and we need to get him out of here now!"

"Sis, yer overreacting," said Big Macintosh, stepping up next to her.

"Big Mac, you know what happens!"

"Uhh, what happens?" asked Twilight.

"He turns ponies gay!" Applejack shouted.

Twilight stared at her for a good twenty seconds. Then...

"BAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA! Ohhh, Applejack, that..." Twilight saw her terrified expression. "That's for real?"

"Well," said Big Macintosh, "it's mighty odd, but ever since Braeburn was just a little colt, whenever he was over the other colts were just mighty friendly 'round him. Then when he got older, well..."

"So..." said Twilight, "other stallions find him attractive? What's so strange about that? I mean, he's a good-looking guy..."

"Straight stallions, Twi," stressed Applejack. "Like, he makes them forget they like girls."

"But that doesn't make any sense..." said Twilight.

"Nope," said Big Macintosh.

"But it just... is... kinda like Pinkie Pie's Pinkie Sense..." Applejack mulled it over.

"Actually..." Twilight pondered, "you might be onto something there!"

"I might?" Applejack asked.

"Passive earth pony magic," said Twilight. She ran back into the library for a quill and paper. "Think of this kind of discovery! Let's find Pinkie Pie!" And with that, she bolted out the door.

"But what about Braeburn?" Applejack called after her.


***

Braeburn left the boutique with Caramel and Lucky Clover on either side of him.

"Mighty courteous of ye two to offer to show me 'round Ponyville," said Braeburn.

"Oh, not a problem!" said Lucky.

"Pleasure's all ours!" said Caramel.

Rarity watched from the doorway, completely stupefied. It was as though those two ponies, who she'd normally had wrapped around her hoof... had just blown her off.

"Well, I never thought I'd see the day!" she exclaimed to herself. Still, she supposed that there was nothing amiss.

She returned to her boutique, looking at the work she had done on her new line of clothes. Somehow she wasn't completely satisfied with it, but revisions, revisions, and more revisions were the hard work of any true artist. She went to her calendar to check up on her schedule, and found that she had an appointment for later that day. Watercolor, a local artist, had requested that she pose for a portrait.

Well, she thought, that's quite a bit of flattery. Not that she was any stranger to flattery.

She chose a nice hat to take with her to the artist's studio. Didn't hurt to come looking one's best, after all. She decided that the care and dedicated attention of a portrait artist would be just the remedy to the callous disregard of her other male friends.

As she walked through the town, however, she noticed that the mares seemed to be congregating around town.

"Can you believe it?" one asked. "I'm talking, and all of a sudden he just stops listening..."

"Like his mind wandered..."

"And he says 'look, you're just not my type.' Huh? We've been together for three years!"

Puzzling... Rarity thought. I may look into this further. But for now there was her appointment with the artist. She opened the door of his studio, stepped inside, and let out a gasp of pure shock.


***

Twilight, Big Macintosh, and a very nervous Applejack made their way to Sugarcube Corner, where they found Mrs. Cake looking at a highly unstable Pinkie Pie.

The pink party pony was rolling around on the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

"Uhh... did we come at a bad time?" asked Twilight.

"Worst time possible..." said Applejack.

"I don't know what just happened," said Mrs. Cake. "Everything was normal until just a few minutes ago. Then she just started laughing."

"AAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!" Pinkie Pie laughed. "Funny bone being tickled means... heeheee... snnnkt! That... AHAHAHHAH, that ponies are gayhayahyhayhay!"

Twilight, however, saw something was amiss. "But wait... Big Macintosh?"

"Eeyup?"

"How come you aren't affected?" she asked.

"Ah am affected," said Big Macintosh. "That don't mean I start actin' fruitier than an orchard of apple trees. Look, you folks'r overreactin'. Cousin Brae is here, it'll cause a lot of confusion, and then he'll leave and it'll be lahk nothin' happened."

"Wait, what?" asked Mrs. Cake. "What's going on?"

"Well, Mrs. Cake," explained Twilight, "it would appear that Applejack's cousin Braeburn has a passive magical property that causes an unusual effect when he is in the presence of a heterosexual male pony. That is, it appears that it turns that pony's heterosexual attraction into homosexual attraction, presumably aimed at Braeburn himself."

Mrs. Cake blinked. "Uhh, excuse me?"

"He's turning the stallions gay," said Applejack.

"Ooh! Ooh!" said Pinkie Pie, jumping up. "That means we'll have a lot of ponies coming out, and you know what thaaat means?"

The other four stared at her. Pinkie Pie took a deep breath.

"A COMING OUT PARTY!"

Mrs. Cake, however, was not amused. "I need to find my husband!"

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Rarity stared in horror at the sight before her. The artist's studio was covered in new paintings of the yellow stallion, all in... various poses.

"What... what..." Rarity stammered.

The painter stepped out, covered in splotches of paint. He had a delirious glint in his eye and a huge grin on his face.

"I can't believe how long I've been blind to the beauty of the male body!" He waved around at the portraits. "All my life, I've been completely oblivious to this amazing world!" He took a deep breath. "Anyway, how are you, Rarity?"

If Rarity weren't white as a sheet to begin with, she would've been now. She let out a scream and high-tailed it right out of the studio. The artist was highly unconcerned, and simply turned to his newest portrait. "Oh, my beautiful, beautiful muse..."


***

Similar chaos had not reached the cafe just yet. Rare Find was, at that moment, enjoying a mug of hot chocolate. He was a brown earth pony stallion with a light grey mane. His cutie mark, as might have been expected from his name, was a set of emeralds. He cheerfully waved to one of his friends, a pegasus who was off to do cloud work.

His ears pricked up. He heard a high, shrill voice calling...

"Fiiiiiiiiiind!"

Rare Find turned around to see a familiar and welcome face charging towards his table.

"Oh, Rarity!" he said as she sat down, huffing, at the table. "How are you?"

"Find, Find, Find..." said Rarity, drawing herself up and smiling, almost desperately at him, "my favorite unavailable stallion. I'm so glad I found you!"

"Wanted to run a fashion design by me?" he asked.

"No," said Rarity. "Something awful has happened."

"What?"

"It's the worst possible thing!" she exclaimed. "The stallions in Ponyville, they're all... they're all..."

Rare Find blinked. "They're what?"

"They're all turning GAY!"

Rare Find and Rarity stared at each other for a few seconds, Rarity heaving with every breath she took.

"Uhh..." said Rare Find, "excuse me?"

"It's just awful!" she said. "So I'm going to my appointment with Painterly to get my portrait done..."

"This is the guy that paints pictures of mares and basically uses that as an excuse to ogle them, right?"

"That's the one." Rarity nodded. "Anyway, I go to see him today, and you know what? He's got all these paintings of a stallion up on the walls and he's raving about the beauty of the male body and..." Rare Find got up from his seat. "Where are you going?"

"To get a portrait."

Rarity threw herself at his hooves. "Plee-hee-hease..." she moaned. "You have to help me! You're the only pony in Ponyville I can turn to!"

"Because I'm gay?"

"Well, yes..."

Rare Find sighed. He looked around at the tables. They were all eyeing the scene with looks of confusion and amusement. He felt as though he had unwittingly blundered into a disastrous farce. He quite suspected he had. "Well, I dunno what you want me to do. So Painterly's come out of the closet, so what?"

"It's not just him!" said Rarity, getting back on her hooves. "Lucky and Caramel... I think they are, too. And I think it has something to do with a new stallion in town. Braeburn."

"Oh? Is he cute?"

"Rare Find, this is about my prospects, not yours. I think Braeburn is doing something to the stallions here, and..."

Rare Find rolled his eyes. "And what? You want me to talk to him or something?"

"Hmm..." said Rarity. "That could be an idea. Now, you be a darling and I'll be in your debt forever! Meanwhile..." She turned around, a look of determination in her eyes, "I need to do some work of my own... I'll find Applejack and ask her what this is all about."


***

"So..." said Rainbow Dash, "bear with me while I try to figure this out..."

The girls minus Rarity, Mrs. Cake, and Big Macintosh, were all gathered at Twilight's library. Twilight had taken up a position near the front, levitating a pointer next to a chart that had a list of all the stallions in Ponyville, with checkmarks next to the ones they knew were affected.

"Applejack's hyperactive cousin has come to visit," said Rainbow Dash, "and now all the guys are prancing around with each other?"

"Well, after him, at least," said Twilight with a shrug.

Rainbow Dash stood there for a minute, soaking that in. Then, a grin crept across her face...

"BAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man this is great!" she said. "This is perfect! Now every time some pony does something silly I can be all 'that is so gay of you!' There's no limit to the number of gay jokes that will work!"

"But that ruins a gay joke," said Pinkie Pie. The girls all looked at her. "I mean, there's nothing funny about a gay colt being gay. The best gay jokes are about colts who aren't gay or who might be gay, but you can't tell!"

"Uhh..." said Twilight Sparkle, "aaaanyway, what we know is that Braeburn, somehow, has a magical property that makes other stallions homosexual. Mainly, it makes them attracted to him. Now, this is the list of colts we know that have been affected. Now, the first course of action is to find Braeburn and keep him from..."

"Umm, I'm sorry," said Fluttershy. "But... I don't really understand what's the matter here. I mean, there isn't anything wrong with it, is there? I mean, being gay is just another part of life."

"It ain't natural!" said Applejack.

"Oh, actually, I've worked with animals a lot, and it happens all the time..."

"Iiiii think Applejack was more referring to the 'magically altering one's sexual orientation' thing as being unnatural," Twilight clarified.

"What's going on?"

The ponies in the room looked up at the staircase, where Spike was looking down at the scene. "What's with the chart?" he asked. "Are you... doing dating or something?"

"Say..." said Rainbow Dash. "Spike was with us when we went to Appleloosa. How come he wasn't affected?"

"Hmm..." said Twilight.

"Affected?" asked Spike. "Affected by what?"

"Spike," said Twilight, "when we were in Appleloosa, did you talk to Braeburn?"

"Huh?" said Spike. He thought for a minute. "Well, I dunno. I didn't really have a reason. He was kinda... annoying? Well, not that... hyper?"

"So Spike isn't affected," said Rainbow Dash. "Why is that?"

"What are we talking about?" asked Spike.

"Oh, nothing!" said Pinkie Pie, appearing suddenly at the top of the stairs. "Just wanted to see if our little Spikey-Wikey had a little secret thing in his closet that he wanted to come out about."

Spike stared at her, then at the rest of them, and then at Pinkie Pie again. "Can I please go back to my room?"

"So," said Twilight, returning to her chart. "We know that Spike isn't affected, so it only seems to affect ponies. We'll have to see how Cranky Doodle-"

"Hey there!"

Slowly, the ponies in the room slowly turned towards the door, and saw Braeburn there, flanked by Lucky, Caramel, and Sir Colton Vines III.

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Braeburn!" said Twilight Sparkle, forcing a grin onto her face.

"Cuz..." said Applejack, also making an effort to sustain some facade of enthusiasm.

Big Macintosh just stared, dead-faced at the four stallions. Mrs. Cake seemed overtaken with an expression of uneasiness. Fluttershy had a marked sense of curiosity, while Pinkie Pie bounced around the room, oblivious to everything that was going on. Rainbow Dash had her face buried in a book, desperately trying to keep from cracking up.

"Excuse me, um, dears," said Mrs. Cake. "I was wondering if any of you had seen my husband?"

"Your husband?" asked Braeburn. "What's he look like?"

"Well, he's tall, skinny, yellow coat, freckles?" she asked.

"Hmm..." Braeburn pondered. "Nope. Sorry ma'am, I don't believe that rings any bells."

"Oh Celestia, I gotta find him quick!" she cried, before bolting out the door.

Braeburn and his posse looked after her with confused looks.

"Sheeeeee'll be fine," said Twilight. "Seriously. Why don't you, uh, come in, make yourself at homo–I mean home."

"Much obliged," said Braeburn, setting his hat on the rack and allowing his golden-blonde mane to cascade down the back of his neck.

The three other stallions sat down with eager expressions while Big Macintosh watched them with narrow eyes. The girls milled around awkwardly, unsure of how to break the ice.

"Alright, boys," said Twilight, taking out a quill and beginning to write. "Now, there really isn't a particularly easy way to talk about this, but–" She stopped. "Wait. Why are you here?"

"Well," said Braeburn, "I thought that since you had such a lovely library it'd be a darn tootin' shame to not pick up some fine readin'."

Twilight's quill continued to draw across the paper despite there not being any ink on it. "Well..." she said. "That works. Anyway, I–" SNAP! "Oh, horn rot!"

"What?" everypony asked.

"My quill broke," she said, holding up the feather in frustration. She sighed. "Well, I'll have to–"

"Well, that won't be a problem ate all," said Braeburn, grabbing his hat from the coat rack. "I saw the store just a little ways back. I'll be back before you can say 'apple biscuits!'"

"No!" Twilight yelled. Her horn glowed and her magic aura covered the door, but before it could shut, Braeburn had bolted out.

"Heeheeheehee!" Pinkie Pie giggled.

"Pinkie," sighed Twilight, "this is no laughing matter."

"But fuh-huh-huunny boooone!" Pinkie Pie moaned through her laughter.

Applejack turned to Big Macintosh. "C'mon, we gotta stop him!"

"No, no, no," said Twilight. "We are going to stay right here and think calmly, rationally..."

The door flew open with a slam, and Rarity (her mane not quite so fabulous as it usually was) stood in the doorway. "Something horrible has happened!"

Twilight threw her head up. "AUGH!"

***

Mrs. Cake rushed back to Sugarcube Corner, desperately trying to think where her husband could possibly be. She wracked her brains, trying to think where he would be at this time of day. He should have just been there, doing work like they normally did.

"Ohhh dear..." she moaned. "Where could he have gone?"

"Honeybun?"

Mrs. Cake spun around and saw her husband standing at the door to the cellar. His mouth was drawn back in an expression of concern at his wife's distraught state.

"Honeybun?" he asked again. "Are you okay?"

"Where were you?" she asked.

"Uhh..." said Mr. Cake. "In the basement. I think we're running a little low on frosting, so we..."

"So you haven't been out of the house?" she asked, walking cautiously up to him.

"Well, not today I..."

"So you haven't seen a stallion in a hat and jacket, have you?"

"Uhh... no?" He raised an eyebrow. "Honeybun, is there something..."

And with that, Mrs. Cake shoved him through the doorway. Mr. Cake fell, wide-eyed, letting out an "oof!" as he hit every step on the way down.

"I'm only doing this because I love you!" Mrs. Cake called down, before shutting the door and propping a chair up against it. And, satisfied that her work was done, she sat down on the chair and took some much-needed rest.

***

Back at the library, Rare Find looked over the small assembled crowd, between the stallions eagerly anticipating the Braeburn's return and the mares's various expressions of boredom and concern. Pinkie Pie was chattering up an excited conversation with Lucky and Caramel, going over plans for her big party.

"So... what am I supposed to be doing here?" he asked.

Twilight sat in front of her chart and sighed.

"Oh," said Rare Find. "Are you doing dating or something?"

"Uhh, hey," said Colton, approaching him. "I wanted to ask you about something."

"Umm..."

"Well, y'see, I wanted to ask with help with, well, uh..." Colton awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. "Coming out?"

Rare Find stared at him and blinked. "You?" he asked. "You have a girlfriend."

The grape pony lowered his head. "I'm living a lie..." he said despondently.

"Nopony in here is living a lie," said Twilight. "Okay, we have to explain it. Applejack? Maybe you can explain?"

Applejack took a step forward. "Okay, so, since my cousin has come t' town and you've seen him, well, you might be experiencing... feelings..."

"Hgt!"

The ponies all shot disdained looks at Rainbow Dash, whose struggles to suppress her laughter were faltering more and more with each passing word. Applejack took a deep breath.

"Look, you boys have all gotcherselfs goin' ga-ga over cousin Braeburn, well it's because of some weird magic," she explained. "I mean, I could tell y'alls about my brother here."

"Uhh, sis?" asked Big Macintosh.

"He might not make a show of it right now, but when we were foals he'd go giving flowers to cousin Braeburn." She chuckled a bit at the recollection. "Gave Granny Smith an afternoon of goin' to her room... starin' at the wall..."

"BAHAHAHAHAHA!" Rainbow Dash didn't even bother trying to hold it in anymore. "Nononono, keep... keepahaha keep Braeburn in town. Then... then Rare Find can pick a boyfriend."

"But what about me?" asked Rarity. The other ponies all looked at her. She shrank down a little. "Well, that is, us. I mean, the mares in town. If he unwittingly steals all the eligible stallions away, well, that will leave us a bunch of old mares!"

Fluttershy looked at Big Macintosh. "You got him flowers?" she asked quietly. If Big Macintosh weren't already red he would've blushed. "Aww," said Fluttershy, "that's so sweet."

Big Macintosh smiled a little bashfully. "Eeyup."

"Wait, so..." Caramel asked. "We aren't actually... y'know..."

"Well, depends on whether you count magic-induced homosexuality as being 'actually y'know,'" said Twilight.

"Can I still have the party?" asked Pinkie Pie. "I've just been thinking for so long about what we could do!"

"You were planning a mass-coming-out-of-the-closet party for 'so long'?" asked Twilight. "Sometimes I get the feeling that I do not want to know what goes on inside your head."

Pinkie Pie just stood there with her little grin on her little face, still pleased as punch with her party plans. Twilight shrugged and returned to her chart.

"Well, we can still have the party," she conceded. "It'll probably be the best time to explain everything that's going on."

"Well, as the only one in here who's actually gay, I think I'll judge this Braeburn for myself," said Rare Find. "Where did he go?"

"Oh, he should be back soon," said Twilight. "He went to the quills and sofas shop."

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Davenport, the pony in charge of the quills & sofas shop, was rather pleased with the display he'd assembled. He'd arranged a large assortment of quills by size and color on a rack displayed by the front of the shop, and he had recently received a new shipment of fabulous sofas which, truth be told, he couldn't help but try out for himself. Having tested the merchandise, he was completely certain that it was satisfactory.

The bell chimed, signifying the arrival of a new customer.

"Howdy!" called Braeburn. "I noticed you had just the establishment I was hoping for! You see a friend of mine needs a new quill..."

Davenport had stopped listening. "Mm-hmm," he said. "Well then, valued customer, I think I can help you with what you'd like."

"Well, I think you certainly do," Braeburn said, admiring the quill display. "Now, I don't know a whole lot about these quill things, but I think–"

"Oh, let me show you around!" said Davenport, pushing him more towards the center of the room. "Not only do we have a wonderful selection of quills, but we also have all kinds of sofas, armchairs, beanbag chairs, chaises longues, and all manners of pillows, which come in... varying degrees of softness and firmness, depending on what suits you."

"Um, well..."

"You aren't in any real hurry, are you?"

"Well, not really, I supp..."

"Well, that's wonderful!" said Davenport, pushing Braeburn down onto a tacky red couch. "Now then," he resumed, sitting next to him. "How is it?"

Braeburn looked down, examining the furniture. "Well," he conceded, "it sure is darn right comfortable."

"Imagine this," explained Davenport, extending his hoof in front of the sofa, as though pointing to a scene. "It's the dead of winter, cold and snowing outside..."

"Actually, in..." Braeburn reared up on his hooves. "AAAAAAAAAAAple-loosa!" He sat back down again. "It doesn't sn–"

"Shut up and get back to the picture," the shopkeeper cut off. "Anyway, it's the dead of winter, cold and snowing outside. But you don't care, because you're indoors, a warm fire is roaring on the fireplace, and you're here, in this lovely sofa, snuggled up with your special somepony..." He leaned against the back of the couch, his forelegs folded under his chin. "How does that sound?"

"It sounds mighty fine," said Braeburn, nodding at the consideration. "I do think I would like a sofa like this. How much does it cost?"

"Oh," he hemmed and hawed, leaning over. "Our prices are... negotiable."

"Ah-huh..." Braeburn said. Suddenly, he remembered what he came for. "Well, the sofa's lovely, but I'm here on an errand for a friend. She needs a quill."

"Riiiiight..." Davenport dipped his head towards his shirt pocket and gingerly pulled out a long feather quill. "Here ya go," he growled, smiling, clutching the quill between his teeth.

"Great!" Braeburn piped happily. "So how much?"

The door chimed again, signaling the entrance of Rare Find.

"Hey, just thought you should know that Twilight did find another quill," he droned.

"Oh." Braeburn stopped. "Well, guess I didn't need this. Still..." he mused as he got up from the seat. "Nice sofa."

"Sure you don't wanna try it again?" Davenport asked, desperately hoping things could still go his way. "Ain't it a nice quill, too?"

'I'll explain later,' Rare Find mouthed at the disappointed shopkeeper as Braebrun merrily trotted on the way out the door.

Rare Find took a deep breath and followed him out. Now that they were out in the light, he could finally get a good look at the apple-flanked stallion.

Wow, he thought, no wonder everyone likes him. He's got the right mixture of manly and pretty.

"Don't believe I caught yer name, stranger," said Braeburn.

"Name's Rare Find."

"Rare Find, eh?" Braeburn stopped and peered at the pony. "Watcha do?"

"I deal in antique jewelry."

"Hooey!" Braeburn exclaimed. "Way above my level. Just a simple apple pony. Don't have a lot of knowing about that kind of stuff."

"Well..." Rare Find shrugged. "We have our hobbies and make 'em our own. So, how are you liking Ponyville?"

"Well, it's just great!" Braeburn looked around at the ponies they passed on the way. "All you folks here sure know how to make a guy feel welcome." He waved to a passing colt, who in turn waved enthusiastically back. "Or maybe you guys all just like me." The cowpony grinned in that cute way someone grins when they feel they've just made a sheepish remark. "Well, anyway, I don't think I'll be needing to head back to the library. Already booked a room at the local inn, and the innkeeper was real friendly. Offered me a discount, but I insisted I'd pay my way the same as any pony. The Apple way, after all..."

Braeburn continued yammering as Rare Find found himself not listening. He did, however, take note of the other ponies around him. The mares were congregating at tables in outdoor cafes, muttering something to themselves. Daisy, Colton's girlfriend, was furiously mouthing something to her friends Lilly and Rose, who were open-mouthed in apparent horror. In fact, all the mares seemed uneasy, shooting angry glares in Braeburn's direction. Word got around awful fast in small towns like Ponyville.

Braeburn, however, continued chattering away about the "Apple way" that he adhered to: "...pull your own way, but always offer help. Be reliable and self-reliant..." Clearly oblivious to the circumstance.

"Sounds a lot like the Apple family we all know and love," Rare Find said, coming in at a break in Braeburn's line of talking. "So what are you–"

"ATTENTION ALL PONIES!"

Braeburn and Rare Find turned around to see Pinkie Pie, raised on a platform in the middle of the road, brandishing a screeching, blaring megaphone.

"ALL OF YOU ARE INVITED TO A SPECIAL PARTY TONIGHT! ONLY AT SUGARCUBE CORNER!" She lowered the megaphone. "Especially all you colts," she added with a sly grin. "There will be all kinds of party games, so be sure to come! Bring your friends!"

"Well, a party tonight!" the apple stallion exclaimed. "My stay in Ponyville just gets better and better!"


***

"Applejack, you're wearing out the floor," said Twilight.

"Ah cain't help it!" said Applejack, not ceasing her restless pacing. "No good will come of this. Braeburn's here, the colts've already gone fruitier than great-uncle Apple Tart..."

Twilight walked up and put a hoof on her shoulder. "Applejack, relax. What's the worst that could possibly happen?"

"Think of it, Twi," said the farmer. "Countless mares, and not a single stallion available..."

Twilight narrowed her eyes. "Applejack, I think that most ponies can function being single for a little while."

"Well what about her?" Applejack asked, pointing at Rarity, who was huddled in the corner, nervously chewing her mane.

"Point..."

"I tell ya, Twilight, there'll be riots before too long."

Big Macintosh watched the proceedings with his usual air of calm disinterest. "If you two don't mahnd, I'll just head on out."

"Sure thing, Big Macintosh," said Twilight. She walked for the bookshelf, examining the section on obscure spells. "Earth pony magic... this could be a fascinating case study." She looked back at Applejack with a curious expression. "I assume that this also goes on at Appleloosa... what, it isn't a problem there?"

"Aw, they just go on being a bunch of self-hating closet cases..."

"Nopony will ever hold the door open for me again..." Rarity moaned.

Twilight lowered a few books from the shelf. "Well, the way I see it, there isn't anything we can do about it. Pinkie Pie will have her party, and we can tell everypony and explain what's going on. It might even be a neat opportunity to conduct research. Though if it's anything like Pinkie Sense, well, 'research' might be a bit out of the question..." She groaned. "Why can't it ever be simple?" Sighing, she opened a book. "Still, at least we might be able to take a poll..."

"Well..." The farmer took a deep breath. "Let's just hope everything works out alright... See ya later, Twi."

"See you later, Applejack."

Applejack left the library, leaving Twilight alone to read through her book.

...Although earth ponies do not possess the ability to cast spells the way unicorns do, they do have innate magic. This magic connects them to the earth, which is the reason that they tend to be hardier than unicorns and pegasi, and are the only ponies that can reliably grow food. This is not so different from the innate magic held by pegasi that enables them to walk on clouds.

All ponies are inherently connected to magical energies. Unicorns are often credited for being the "magical ponies," but in reality they are simply more able to control it...

Of course. Earth pony magic couldn't be controlled. That was why Pinkie Sense was so arbitrary and random.

"Twilight?"

The librarian turned and saw Rarity standing there, her disheveled mane an almost-perfect representation of her mental state.

"Rarity?" asked Twilight.

"I need your help with this," said Rarity. "Badly."

"Well, there isn't really anything I can do," said Twilight. "You're just going to have to wait until–"

"Actually, there might be one thing you can do..."

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The party at Sugarcube Corner seemed to be much like any other. The only real differences were the lack of mares and the mysterious presence of several boards nailed over the cellar door.

Pinkie Pie was the only mare present, and she bounced around the room, helping herself to the snacks and asking the other ponies how they liked it. Of course they did, as it had the usual calling cards of hers: peppy music, bright colors, streamers, and a large variety of delicious cakes. Except the Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Pony game seemed to feature a cute stallion with his eyes narrowed suggestively at the viewer.

Rare Find stood at the cake table, looking at every pony else, standing around, talking as usual. Caramel and Lucky were engaged in a conversation, Pokey Pierce was obliviously popping balloons with his dancing, and Sir Colton Vines III was thoughtfully tasting the contents of the punch bowl. Big Macintosh just stood in the corner, his usual impassive self, though at times he could be seen to bob his head along to the beat of the music.

"It's a nice party, isn't it?" asked another stallion next to him. Rare craned his neck and saw Eventide. They were mild acquaintances – Eventide was a painter, one of those sentimental, thoughtful types. His cutie mark was an incomplete rainbow consisting of yellow, orange, and purple. It reminded him of a sunset.

"I'm actually kind of surprised I'm enjoying it this much," Rare Find admitted. "I mean, the whole thing's kind of silly..."

"Silly?" asked Eventide. "How so?"

"Okay, okay..." Rare Find took a deep breath. "You know what the party's about?"

"No," said Eventide. "I just assumed it'd be the guys getting together."

Rare Find snickered. "Well, not just any old get-together. Pinkie Pie says it's a 'coming out' party."

"Coming out?" asked Eventide. "You mean, coming out as being gay?"

"Uh-huh," said Rare Find. He looked back over at his acquaintance, who had a half-relieved, half-sheepish smile.

"Well, it's as good a time as any. I've been sort of trying to find the right time for a while, I mean..."

"Wait," said Rare Find. "'For a while'? As in, since before today?"

Eventide stared at him. "Uhhh... yeah?"

"Huh..." Rare Find helped himself to another slice of chocolate cake.

Colton approached the two with a cup of grape juice in his mouth, and set it down on the table. "Hey, I'm not interrupting anything or anything, am I?"

Rare Find shook his head. "No, why? Something the matter?"

"Well, no. Just, since that thing in the library I've been thinking..."

"Wait," interrupted Eventide. "You're gay? I thought you had a girlfriend."

"Well, that's the thing," said Colton. "It's... kind of confusing. But I don't think I'm being fair to her, like this. And considering it's only since today that this happened, well... I don't know. I guess it's just weird that all of a sudden this guy comes along and now I'm completely different."

"Well, not different," said Rare Find. "Just gay. I mean, come on, it's not like you started wearing feather boas all of a sudden."

"Well, no..." Colton admitted.

"See?" Rare Find reassured him. "Nothing's changed. Just got some weird magic thing going, and once it's gone, then it's gone. And if it isn't gone, well... that's not a big deal, is it?"

"I guess it isn't."

"Uhh..." said Eventide. "I'm confused."

"So am I," sighed Colton.

"That leaves me as the one playing 'straight colt' to everyone," said Rare Find as his face took a wry expression.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie appeared in the front doorway. "Alright everypony!" she called. "Our special guest is here! Please give a warm welcoming hoof to Braeburn!"

She stepped away from the doorway to make room for the apple cowpony. "Well, howdy!" he neighed, to the applause and cheers of every pony in the room. "Aw, shucks, you folks have gone outta yer way to make a guy feel welcome." Braeburn walked into the room as the other stallions provided him with cake and relieved him of his hat and vest. "So, how do you Ponyville-folk party?"

The stallions in the room all cycled through, taking turns talking to Braeburn. The Appleloosan was extraordinarily pleased to be the center of attention, and had no shortage of things to talk about. Pinkie Pie, however, decided to break the ice and get to what she considered the main event.

"Well!" snickered she. "I thought we'd all play spin the bottle!"

Some excited chuckles filled the room.

"Oh?" asked Braeburn. "I've never played that. How's it work?"

The other stallions quickly crowded around him as Pinkie Pie produced a glass pop bottle, seemingly out of thin air. Pinkie Pie set the bottle down in front of him on the floor, and began to instruct: "Well, it works like this. You spin the bottle, and whoever it faces you have to–"

"Now, just right and hold that thought," he interrupted. "This establishment got a restroom?"

"Right up the stairs," directed the pink hostess.

"Much obliged."

The stallions crowded around the stairs as he walked up. As soon as he disappeared from sight, they began talking amongst each other.

"I would sing such sweet songs in his ears," said one of them.

"I'd roll around in the clover with him," said another.

"I'd grow him special, tender flowers, just for him," said yet another.

"Bleh." Rare Find stuck out his tongue in nausea. "Listen to all of you. You'e all nuts about him, when.... when..."

"Well," said Colton, "I can't disagree."

"But none of you are actually gay!"

The other stallions slowly turned to look at him, their faces bearing expressions of irritation and confusion.

"What do you mean?" one of them asked.

"Alrighty!" called the chipper voice from the top of the stairs. Everyone fell silent as he descended back down to their level. "Now, what's this about spinning bottles?"

"WE HAVE THE BUILDING SURROUNDED!" boomed a mare's voice from outside. Everypony inside froze. "GIVE UP THE APPLE AND NOPONY GETS HURT!"

Everypony slowly looked at Braeburn, whose expression had turned to a gaping display of terror. "Wha-what did I do?"

"Everyone else inside will return to their marefriends." There was a pause. "And do the dishes... or laundry... or whatever it is said marefriends want them to do!"

"Wait... what's going on?" Braeburn asked.

"Party poopers!" Pinkie yelled back. Then she backed down and sighed. "I just wanted a fun 'coming out' party."

"Now, I'm mighty confused," said Braeburn. "Did I do something wrong?"

The door swung open, showing a somewhat bereaved-looking Applejack. "Oh, I just knew this would happen!"

"Cuz?" he asked. Everyone in the room was silent.

"Braeburn, I think this is something you need to hear." She looked at the rest of the stallions. "Something all of y'all need to hear."

She looked at her confused cousin, and took a long, deep breath. "Braeburn, there's something... unique about you. I don't know what it is, but ever since you were a little colt, the other colts liked you. And I mean they really, really liked you. Remember all those times Big Macintosh gave you flowers?"

"AJ," Big Macintosh said hastily, "you don't always have to mention those."

"Aww..." said Eventide. "That's so sweet."

Big Macintosh took a step back, keeping as straight a face as he could, though he couldn't help but pull back the corners of his mouth just a little.

"Yeah..." said Braeburn. "But what does that..."

"He wasn't doing that just because he was being nice," said Applejack. "And now it's staying that way. When the stallions see you, they like you. Even if they normally wouldn't like you, they like you."

"Well, I try to get along with–"

"Not like that, Braeburn," said Applejack. "Guys, you know what I'm talking about, right?"

There were some nervous chuckles and pawings at the floor. Braeburn froze, and his eyes went wide.

"I don't get it."

Groans filled the room. "Oh, come on..." "Why are the pretty ones so dumb?..." "The more obvious you get, the more oblivious they get..."

"They're all gay for cousin Brae," said Applejack. "You've got some weird magic... thing that takes ponies that normally like mares and makes them like you."

"Wait," said Braeburn. "Stallions that like... other stallions?" He thought about it. "That's a thing?" He looked around at everyone, laughing nervously. "Oh, come on, that's silly. I mean, how does that even work?"

Rare Find sauntered right up to him. "Let me explain it to you," said he. "Sometimes, when a daddy stallion, and another daddy stallion, love each other very much..."

***

Outside, Twilight had managed to take the megaphone away from a very incensed Rose.

"Girls, you're overreacting," she said. "Daisy, please, stop pacing back and forth."

"I'm sorry," said the flower pony, "but I'm just so worried. I mean, Colton and I have been going out, and I really like him, and I thought he liked me too..." Her eyes started to waver as tears began to form.

"Daisy, I'm sure he still likes you," said Twilight, before she turned to the others. "None of your boyfriends have stopped liking you. It's just a small thing here, and they can't help it. Let me tell you, sometimes I've cast a spell or two that's addled my brains. As soon as Applejack's cousin leaves town, everything will be–"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" cried Braeburn from inside Sugarcube Corner. Not three seconds later, he burst through the front doors, carrying his beloved clothing articles. He tore through the crowd and down the road as fast as his legs would carry him, determined to run far away from Ponyville and back to someplace he felt safe.

The mares were dead silent. "See?" asked Twilight at length. "He's gone. Everything is back to–"

"OUT OF MY WAY!" shrieked a voice as a white pony barreled through the crowd.

"...normal."

***

"Well, what now?" asked Caramel.

"I think..." Colton pondered. "I'll volunteer to do dishes."

The other stallions nodded in agreement.

"Also," said Lucky, "let's never talk about this again."

The doors burst open again, and in entered a stunning white stallion with a purple mane.

"Is this real?" asked Rare Find.

"Hellooooo!" called what appeared to be Rarity, but a stallion. The other ponies inside, however, were more occupied with their discussion about how this would never, ever be mentioned again, and filed out, paying the newcomer absolutely no attention whatsoever.

Rarity's face was frozen in horror.

"But..." (s)he sputtered. "You... I... I made an effort... GAAAAH!" He stormed over to a table and sat down in a huff.

Rare Find walked up to the now-male Rarity. "Yeah, he just left, soooooo they went right back to being straight... though for what it's worth, you look fabulous."

"Thanks..." Rarity said, lowering his head. "Now I'll have to go back to Twilight and beg her to change it back, and then she'll be all smirking and 'I-told-you-so'..." He took a deep breath and stood back up. "Well, I guess I'd better get it out of the way."

Rare Find watched as Rarity got up, straightened himself out, and marched out the door.

"Was that... Rarity?" asked Eventide.

"Yes," said Rare Find. He turned back to the other stallion. "So, uh..."

"That was... a bit different."

"Yeah." Rare nodded. "Still, it was nice. For once, I was pretty much on the same level as everyone else. Even if it was all kinda silly."

"Heh, yeah," Eventide chuckled. "That was fun. Helped me feel a lot more comfortable." He rubbed the back of his neck. "You know, we should hang out sometime."

Rare Find raised an eyebrow and paused for a minute. "You know," he said, "that sounds like it'd be fun."

***

Braeburn had taken the first train out of Ponyville that he could. It wasn't headed straight for Appleloosa, but he could bear waiting for a bit, just so long as he got out of there fast. He'd just get off at the next station and work his way back home.

Though he admitted to himself he had been a little hasty. He'd just found out about an extraordinary new fact of life, and his freakout was most uncourteous for someone who tried to be as friendly as he normally had. After all, the stallions weren't doing anything unwelcome. They were just being friendly, the way he'd be friendly with a pretty mare he liked. They didn't make unwanted advances (except for that sofa pony) or anything. They were just nice, friendly ponies who liked him and wanted him to like them back.

Still, it was a lot to take in at once. A whole bunch of guys who liked him the way guys normally liked girls.

Well, sorry, folks, but I like mares, he thought to himself. Mighty flattered, though.

In the train's restroom he doused his face in water, trying to clear his head. He looked in the mirror. His face and mane were sopping wet, as though he'd just emerged from the swimming pool. He laughed to himself a bit. It really had been rude of him. After all, he did have to admit he was rather cute, himself. And as he thought about it more and more, he wondered why he seemed to object to having other cute stallions after him.